she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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