Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
