i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
