Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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