Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
