Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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