Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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