I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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