So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
