he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
