2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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