I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
