Your dad touched me again.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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