Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
