Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
