I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
