I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
