We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
