I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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