is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
