My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
