I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
