I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
