First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
