I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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