Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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