The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
