just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
