...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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