i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
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