My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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