Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
