I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
