I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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