So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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