I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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