my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
