so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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