I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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