I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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