i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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