He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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