The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
