She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
