your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
