I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
