The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
