Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
