my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
