I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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